okay...so sometimes,

you know how you can't help but to think something that there's only a fifty percent chance that it's actually happening? you know how you can't help but let your sorry, pathetic self let it's imagination take over and surround yourself with more thoughts that make you incredibly sad. i keep doing that. i can't help it. it's like, when you think you know something well enough that you can kind of assume what's going on? and there are little actions between that make everything much harder to ignore? and sometimes, it makes you feel cheated, and abused, and used, and worthless, and it makes you doubt everything you've ever fought for, everything you lived for. it makes you feel like nothing. it makes you want to crawl back into the womb and wish that people practiced abstinence more often? that feeling has now become default in my life. everything turns back into that feeling. you feel sorry for yourself. you feel stupid. you wish you were stronger, and smarter, and made less stupid mistakes. you wish you didn't let people know what you think and feel. you wish you didn't let people into your world, as it used to be something of your own. you wish you didn't let people control you, control your emotions, your actions and your reactions. you wish someone would just genuinely care. but no one will. because everyone's too selfish. you wish you hadn't been so selfless. so you end up feeling wasted and worthless and angry and sad. and you want to just disappear and end everything. you want to be happy but you just can't be. you wish people didn't cheat you out of your nature. you wish you didn't let people walk all over you. you wish you had listened to your little brother when he told you to be strong and stand up for yourself. you wish you weren't so bloody forgiving and you wish you knew how to take care of yourself. you wish you knew what your intentions were. you wish you had a fairy-fuckin-grandmother to grant you every wish your heart desired. you wish you could go back in time and do things all over again, you wish you were places that you're not. but then you think about it, and would it have been any different? would anything have changed if you had changed? or were you always this minor annoyance in everyone's surrounding life that anything you did right wouldn't have made a difference to them and everything would have ended up exactly how it is. right now.