okay...so sometimes,

you know how you can't help but to think something that there's only a fifty percent chance that it's actually happening? you know how you can't help but let your sorry, pathetic self let it's imagination take over and surround yourself with more thoughts that make you incredibly sad. i keep doing that. i can't help it. it's like, when you think you know something well enough that you can kind of assume what's going on? and there are little actions between that make everything much harder to ignore? and sometimes, it makes you feel cheated, and abused, and used, and worthless, and it makes you doubt everything you've ever fought for, everything you lived for. it makes you feel like nothing. it makes you want to crawl back into the womb and wish that people practiced abstinence more often? that feeling has now become default in my life. everything turns back into that feeling. you feel sorry for yourself. you feel stupid. you wish you were stronger, and smarter, and made less stupid mistakes. you wish you didn't let people know what you think and feel. you wish you didn't let people into your world, as it used to be something of your own. you wish you didn't let people control you, control your emotions, your actions and your reactions. you wish someone would just genuinely care. but no one will. because everyone's too selfish. you wish you hadn't been so selfless. so you end up feeling wasted and worthless and angry and sad. and you want to just disappear and end everything. you want to be happy but you just can't be. you wish people didn't cheat you out of your nature. you wish you didn't let people walk all over you. you wish you had listened to your little brother when he told you to be strong and stand up for yourself. you wish you weren't so bloody forgiving and you wish you knew how to take care of yourself. you wish you knew what your intentions were. you wish you had a fairy-fuckin-grandmother to grant you every wish your heart desired. you wish you could go back in time and do things all over again, you wish you were places that you're not. but then you think about it, and would it have been any different? would anything have changed if you had changed? or were you always this minor annoyance in everyone's surrounding life that anything you did right wouldn't have made a difference to them and everything would have ended up exactly how it is. right now.

unabashed fuckwittage...

fuckwittage = a characteristic belonging to the male species wherein they toy with female emotions to cunningly convince them into sleeping with them and then when confronted with the prospects of a relationship claim commitment phobia.
* sound familiar anyone?*
so i've had a regular, shitty-ass weekend with nothing more than a few instances which create tears and a few which create resentment. i got yelled and bitched at in the car ride home on saturday, and was told that i was a burden and that there were many sacrifices made for me. i don't remember asking for any of this, i was offered something and i took it. if i'm such a fuckin burden then why did you offer? can't help but feel the same as the dead gecko i saw outside my door. a tad helpless but stuck where we're at. i've had a total of 8 cigarettes in 2 days and i'm itchin for one right now. trying really hard to fight the temptation of sneaking out. won't do it. will compensate with a coke. i'm so sick of being in texas. my bank account holds less than two weeks worth of pay. i should just go home and go to york. this place makes me uneasy and uncomfortable. my only friends are the people i smoke and/or work with. i went out for dindin with the old ones and all they do is complain complain complain and make racial comments. i can't stand it. not one minute. the reason the kitchen is full of hard-working mexican people is because there are fatass lards like you around that don't want to do shit, so they do it for you because they know what it's like to have nothing. bastard-fuck. ugh. i'm waiting for the time that i'll have a two-day weekend again. i don't think it's happening until christmas time wherein hopefully i'll be home. my mom is supposed to come visit me soon. i hope she does. and then in two weeks or so the old ones are planning to go to Toronto. i can't even go. i have to work. yet all they do is complain about needing a vacation. i can't wait to leave. i want a normal job with normal hours that can equal a normal life. i want normal problems and normal happiness.
anyways. i had this disgusting security guard from countrywide hitting on me yesterday. said he wanted to take me out to dinner and show me a good time. he said he'll drop by when no one else is working to gimme his number. i was trying so hard not to laugh. we have a contract with his company so i'll be seeing him every thursday and saturday so i can't be rude. but anyways, he must be like, at least 26-28 which in turn means that's he's minimum, a decade older than me. i didn't have the heart to tell him but i will in 4 days. ugh. gross. i mean, think about this. i'm 16, i wear jeans and a plain t-shirt to work every day, haven't done my eyebrows in what seems like forever, my hair is always tied up and pulled away from my face and i work with peoples dirty clothes all day and yet i have random incidents like that every so often. i don't know what's going on in these peoples heads. there's this downright beautiful girl working with me with the perfect body and yadee yadee yaa... it's disgusting. i'd like to crawl into a corner and scream pedophile at some of the older people that look at me like i'm fuckin edible. shit man. it's gross.
anyways, can't vent anymore, i'm saddened by other occurences that shall not be mentioned. goodnight all.

here we go again...circles

wow. so. it's been a pretty tough day emotionally. yet. i still haven't had the chance to think. i'm missing some aspect of my life. and i know what it is. yet i'm in utter denial because i know i don't need it. the worst part is that it's not like it's a person that i can just exempt from my life. it's some feeling some emotion that i don't want anymore. i don't want it anymore yet it keeps naggin at my heart strings like it's something really important. i can't help but feel so lost and scared about it. i had a dream, and within that dream, things turned out so beautifully and differently than i could ever imagine. and i woke up happy and then sad to realize that it was only a dream. but something has changed. something is different. my current revelations have made me stronger and happier, yet more and more confused. i don't know what to think anymore. i've been up since 3:30 this morning dealing with a vast spectrum of issues. absolutely everything under the sun. it's been about 17 hours. and all i can think about it how my day started yesterday. and the many things that went on and how i can't manage to let go. i mean. i have let go. but fuck. i don't know. i don't want to think about this anymore. tomorrow is yet another long day, so i'm going to leave this be, maybe eat something and then try and sleep. how do you love someone, who hurts you oh so bad, with intentions good, was all he ever had. but how do i let go when i've loved him for so long and i've given him all that i could. maybe love's a hopeless crime, giving up what seems your lifetime, what went wrong with something once so good? how do you find the words to say, to say goodbye. if your heart don't have the heart to say, to say goodbye. i know now i was naïve, never knew where this would lead, and i'm not trying to take away, oh no, from the good man that he is. but how do i let go when i've, loved him for so long and i've given him all that i could. was it something wrong that we did, because others infiltrated, what went wrong with something once so good? how do you find the words to say, to say goodbye. when your heart don't have the heart to say, to say goodbye. is this the end, are you sure? how should you know when you've never been here before... it's so hard, to just let go, when this is the one and only love i've ever known...how do you find the words to say, to say goodbye...when your heart don't have the heart to say... to say goodbye.

power outage...

mmm. so the power was out of all yesterday. that meant that i would eventually engage in conversation about religion, politics and geography. interestingly enough. it was the best two hour conversation i've ever had with my great uncle. it was almost fun. and i'm amazed at the wealth of knowledge i still posses after completing high school. i thought i'd forgotten everything. mostly because i never get to use my brain at work. good g-d. life is boring. i'm drinking a real coke today. it's really quite nice but i also am in dire need of a cigarette. and i have no means right now because my great aunt isn't working until monday. okay. so the sun is directly behind me right now. and it's causes great difficulties whilst trying to type. and omg. i'm gonna rape something. heh heh. enough said. argh. i need to do something with my life. i always wondered like, what the hell. what if one day i decided not to have any more ambitions, got pregnant and worked at mcdonalds till my dying day. would i be happy? i mean, it's sounds dense and boring and such, but i know so many people that have done that and they are way more content and happy than i can say that i've ever been. it's like, education doesn't equal happiness, that much i know from just attending high school. but that's society right. so even if my education gets me a well paying job in the future, i know that money doesn't mean everything to me, religion doesn't mean everything to me, relationships don't mean everything to me. i know all of this because i've experienced it, sadly, within the 16th year of my life. so when do i get to make that decision and draw that fine line to decide exactly what i'm to do with this thing we call life in order to be happy. since we mostly consider death an act of g-d, like, even if you pass in an accident or because of a sickness it's because the good lord has decided for you that he needs you elsewhere, when do we find this out. like. okay. if there was any way of me knowing that i'm going to be alive by g-ds will for the next 30 years then maybe i'd do some planning. and maybe it's very negative and pessimistic and totally a sophia thing to think that i've always felt that i'm not meant to be on this thing we call earth for very long. maybe i'm just very discontented with the state of the planet, and maybe i'll live to be the oldest woman alive, but i don't know. i think i've always doubted my timeline because it doesn't climax anywhere. i mean, spontaneity set aside, i think i could lay out the rest of how my life will turn out by the basics. what i end up doing and where i'll end up being and things of that nature. but no matter how unpredicatable a character i might have or i may have, i can still imagine what my life is going to be. i don't like that. which is my reasoning for why i think i'm not going to be here for very much longer. and heck, i'm g-ddarn happy about that. i don't wish it, but i don't think i'll deny it. but hey, maybe things'll change within the next week and i'll change my mind, for the time being. but as of .n.o.w. i still remain with my one and only quesiton. When?

.:'boom':.

here comes the .:'boom':. ready or not *fart* i have to eat indian food again tonight. i don't understand how people eat the stuff every single day. g-d. life is boring. my taste buds are retiring for the next 4 months. anyhow. so i'm looking at shit for SFU and i'm going crazy at all this shit. i have to redo two courses anyways and i gotta get 93 in both to meet the admission requirements. isn't that sad? i'm going to die. die i say. die. but they have these diverse admission forms and i think my resume will get me in. cause it's gonna be look'n so fyne by the time i get to vancouver. lord help me. i think i'm gonna .:'scream':. heh heh. mita. we are going to have so much fun. and. third year we're moving into our own apartment downtown. it's gonna be a rock'n place. you betcha betcha. heh heh. i hate men. but i got mita. so i'm happy. did i say men? i meant boys. boys. because boys will never mature into men until they get married. and even then they have a hard time. i swear, all boys are sex-crazy, and they don't get over this stage until they hit thirty. and then what happens? they either get married or turn into dirty lil pedophiles. ick. porno master shit. disgusting. and when i say sex-crazy, i mean sex-crazy. horny lil devils that can't do without a lil rubbin from something. when will they ever ever grow up? i'm sick of having to deal with this. i wish i was in the same physical state as i was last september. so i could keep up this half-puritan bullshit to change my mindset from what it is today. i've been tainted by the male mind. like fuck, i'm horny too. can't help it, i'ma fuckin scorpio. it's in my nature. and hell, i'll admit it, nobody wants to deny the pleasure that comes from sexual union. but shiat. enough is enough. whatever. i'm currently regreting actions i made, plenty of them actually, so if i'm a little cynical and sarcastic, ya'll know why. but hey. with my mindset right now, lord knows all i need is to get laid. ha.

broken pieces...

so. my day so far has been okay-ish. i'm still trying to get used to the fact that i'm an hour behind the rest of my life and that no one has the time of day. sadly. it's like. i work all day and i seem to have all this spare time that i do nothing with. and within that time frame, everyone else is too preoccupied. i'm also trying to deal with stubborn individuals who are without a doubt frustrating me purposely. i hate the fact that i care so fuckin much. there is no deceny among the people in my life. it's like, i sacrifice my mind, my time, everything...and then there are those who just don't give a shit and constantly beat at the pieces of my heart until they're fine dust and blow away in the wind. i wish i had the will to reciprocate. and i think sometimes i do, unknowingly, and the effect is mind-blowing yet still unheard of to me. anyhow. so today i was listening to the radio (once again...big surprise!) and there was this pastor talking about the disaster in new orleans. he said this: 'earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal.' i was suprised at the truth in this statement. it doesn't only apply to the natural rebellion of mother earth, but also daily, trivial events that occur in each and every persons life. it's so sad. to think that we can't even manage, with our g-d-given abilities, to heal ourselves from the inside. so many broken souls tread the path of life, yet no one wants to fix anything. why must we leave everything to the holy father and his angels to heal all our unwanted blemishes within ourselves? why is it that death is the only answer to forgiveness? i have no concept of this matter. i have misunderstandings and personal beliefs that stop me, as an individual, from managing my mind. so i've been told that i think too much, this was noticed by someone who thought that i had too many lines on my hands. her belief, religious or not, was that those who have many lines, think many thoughts. i don't disagree, but i don't agree either. when you come across a person whom only has a few lines, does that mean that they don't think enough? does that mean that their thought processes are simple and narrow? what does that mean? what is the determining factor...who set the fine line between too much and too little? if it is all in what we think and believe, then one should be able to accomplish all that they want. but why do we have those that can't get past a sleeping bag and a paper cup to lead their lives? why do we have so many questions, so little answers...why is there no parallels anymore? good and bad, ugly and beautiful, sick and healthy, sane and insane, hot and cold, everything. personal truth be told, i think that g-d gave us the ability to create and solve our own problems. we create our own idiosyncrasies that always lead to our demise. so why wait for heaven? peace on earth, something so many try to obtain. working as a whole is impossible when there are those that believe in difference and change. and we break. we all break. not just you, not just me. but all of us. slowly and steadly. so as i walk, down this path of life, or something like it, i lay my pieces down. i expose myself. i don't want no hansel n'gretel picking them up to lead me home. i leave a little bit of me everywhere i tread. noticed or unnoticed it is undeniable the imprints we leave on our surroundings. leave my pieces alone, they will settle and with everything i can will within me, they will create difference, change, hope, love, everything. everything that we need we can give. we have the power to heal, we have the power to hurt, we have the power to change, we have the power to do all that was set out for us. when we think about giving up, think about the divine power that set you about this place we call home. everything we have been given, everything that we are, is here for a reason. do not diminish the flame before the candle has burned. we will manifest to be the greatest of our moment. if we have the chance. and since we create these chances, use them wisely. for as far as personal experience can lead us, i myself know that it's not worth giving up, it's not worth ignoring the signs that will make you a better person. nothing is worth more than your life.

wow-o i made it to #2

well. this is interesting. i finally got two days off for a freakin weekend and what did i do with it? nothing. that's right. nothing. on sunday, i didn't get out of bed until 4:30 in the afternoon. mostly because i wasn't feeling well, but still. that's ridiculous. and this morning, i got out of bed at 9:15, brushed my teeth and everything, and then went back into bed and didn't get out until 5:40 ish. i think it's disgusting. but hey, i know people that sleep way more than i do. i still get up at 5:30 every morning for work so whatever. so anyhow. i am so totally not in the greatest mood right now, but i'm on some Ibuprofen so most of my lower back n'such is numb. which is nice. so last night, we went out for an indian movie, it's called No Entry. honestly. that is the first time that i've thoroughly enjoyed an indian comedy. cause it actually was funny. sadly. and there's this other one coming out called chocolate that actually looks like it could be an okay indian movie considering it's storyline isn't about a 'boy and girl who fall in love and then hate each other and then get married'.. etc., etc., etc. ugh. my eyebrows are nasty. even though nikita did them, they still look and feel so weird. and i am sick of drinking diet coke and diet 7up and diet pepsi and all this other diet shit. i started drinking milk though. woohoo. i can't believe my only two day weekend is going to be over soon. this is why i hate the 9 to 5. or the 7 to 7 rather. this is shit. i am never ever ever working for family again. i hate every single minute. so i'm hoping to get my laptop by the end of september. if all goes well and i get paid on time. i have this odd feelin in my noggin that somehow they're not going to be able to come up with my paycheck and then all of a sudden the first person they'll tick off the list of importance is me and i won't get paid till next year. sounds reminicent of another family members' plight not too long ago. fuck it. 'be positive'. heh heh. anyways, i finally got to have a cigarette yesterday cause they went to khane and i wasn't feelin well. i didn't have just one tho, i turned into a friggin chainer for an hour. count 4. i had one for mita, and one for me, one for mita, and one for me :D. see i am a friendly smoker... anyways. i'm off. certain people in my life have pissed me off and they don't even know it. oh. and slight correction to 'numero uno' to mend my fragile ego. when i said the first time you have sex is shitty, i didn't mean that literally, i just mean that it gets better from there. hah. maybe. anyways. later.
<3

what-ever.

anny and myself outside of some movie theater. it's one of few pictures where we're both not doing something stupid.
courtesy of me...*

numero uno

i hate first time blogs. everything that happens for the first time tends to be shitty. like the first time you went on a freaky roller coaster at the local amusement park. the first time you smoked a cigarette. the first time you kissed someone. the first time you got drunk. the first time you had sex. anything that starts with 'my first time' is not a story worth telling. but hey. in this situation, when you've resorted to the internet as your main audience and form of amusement, first times are nothing but a thing of the past. for example. this isn't the first time i've decided to blog randomly. but it may be the first time i actually keep it up. i blog all the time on those msn spaces things. but it feels like everyone who shouldn't be reading it has access to it. it's so shitty. so therefore, you must address your readers as though they mattered (minus the select few who are probably reading this too...). so whatever. life goes on, your hormones change, you get used to the fact that nothing is ever as it seems and then you die. so let me start by saying that i'm not in a very good mood. i need a cigarette and because of my current living arrangements it is exceptionally difficult to leave the house without someone 50 years my senior wanting to tag along. i hate it when other people do my laundry, i hate it when other people touch my food, i hate it when other people tell me what to think or what to do. i think i'm going to be single for the rest of my life and hope to g-d that if i'm not, that i don't end up like anyone i know. i've never lived or encountered more miserable, selfish, depressing people in my life. and i only say this because it's what i feel. and since i don't do this often, take it all in bitches. cause it ain't happening again. anyhow, so i'm a loser. but i think you already knew that so what difference does it make? i am what i am, i'll do what i want... i need to wash my hair, and get a life. but work restricts me from even attempting to look good at any given point in time, so for those of you that know me, if i come home looking like bigfoot's little sister with bushes for eyebrows, go to hell you're not worth my fuckin time. why do i even try, beauty is natural right? and if g-d loves me and created me within his guidelines for women whom he graced with too many lines and too much hair, i should be as happy as a fuckin cricket with a one-week life span. it ends here.