power outage...

mmm. so the power was out of all yesterday. that meant that i would eventually engage in conversation about religion, politics and geography. interestingly enough. it was the best two hour conversation i've ever had with my great uncle. it was almost fun. and i'm amazed at the wealth of knowledge i still posses after completing high school. i thought i'd forgotten everything. mostly because i never get to use my brain at work. good g-d. life is boring. i'm drinking a real coke today. it's really quite nice but i also am in dire need of a cigarette. and i have no means right now because my great aunt isn't working until monday. okay. so the sun is directly behind me right now. and it's causes great difficulties whilst trying to type. and omg. i'm gonna rape something. heh heh. enough said. argh. i need to do something with my life. i always wondered like, what the hell. what if one day i decided not to have any more ambitions, got pregnant and worked at mcdonalds till my dying day. would i be happy? i mean, it's sounds dense and boring and such, but i know so many people that have done that and they are way more content and happy than i can say that i've ever been. it's like, education doesn't equal happiness, that much i know from just attending high school. but that's society right. so even if my education gets me a well paying job in the future, i know that money doesn't mean everything to me, religion doesn't mean everything to me, relationships don't mean everything to me. i know all of this because i've experienced it, sadly, within the 16th year of my life. so when do i get to make that decision and draw that fine line to decide exactly what i'm to do with this thing we call life in order to be happy. since we mostly consider death an act of g-d, like, even if you pass in an accident or because of a sickness it's because the good lord has decided for you that he needs you elsewhere, when do we find this out. like. okay. if there was any way of me knowing that i'm going to be alive by g-ds will for the next 30 years then maybe i'd do some planning. and maybe it's very negative and pessimistic and totally a sophia thing to think that i've always felt that i'm not meant to be on this thing we call earth for very long. maybe i'm just very discontented with the state of the planet, and maybe i'll live to be the oldest woman alive, but i don't know. i think i've always doubted my timeline because it doesn't climax anywhere. i mean, spontaneity set aside, i think i could lay out the rest of how my life will turn out by the basics. what i end up doing and where i'll end up being and things of that nature. but no matter how unpredicatable a character i might have or i may have, i can still imagine what my life is going to be. i don't like that. which is my reasoning for why i think i'm not going to be here for very much longer. and heck, i'm g-ddarn happy about that. i don't wish it, but i don't think i'll deny it. but hey, maybe things'll change within the next week and i'll change my mind, for the time being. but as of .n.o.w. i still remain with my one and only quesiton. When?