time time time

things never seem to change too much do they?
well not for me anyway.
always stuck in the same rut. slight changes. nothing significant.
school, work, relationships (or lack thereof).
oh well, not the best time to mope.
birthday was good, feeling older by the minute.
abstract thoughts.
tried to find a path, think i've got it. can't confirm until it's been done.
no use asking for help.
time to find my own. should be difficult. but i'm ready for it.
considering all else...

Sometimes the prospect of happiness is enough to surrender your soul to.
And perhaps enough to love freely and wildly.
But forget not, to contemplate the future.
For what we see, hear and feel...isn't always real.

say we all had a window.
to look through and see the future.
i look through my window. and this is what i see:

all around me, acres and acres of land.
30 horses and about 5 dogs.
children, laughing and playing in the grass.
a man, on a porch chair sippin' lemonade.
a perfect sunset.
and behind me on the wall are photographs of happiness and not a framed degree.

i turn around and face myself in the mirror.
and take another look.

around me are windows. large, slightly tinted.
i look around and i see buildings. skyscrapers and little iddy-biddy wanna-be skyscrapers.
a big black oval-ish desk with papers strewn across.
sterile walls, no pictures, no colors. it's all black.
i wear a lab coat. my hairs tied up all neat.
black skirt, black shoes, black shirt.
the black phone rings, apparently i have an emergency to tend to.
i look back at those windows and realize that i'm bored.
no colors, no trees, no mountains, no animals.
just a scalpel and saw to get me through my days.

step back. down to Earth.
back to reality.
pick up a rock and smash your window.
it's not worth looking into the future and realizing that your fate is constantly changing.
never expect what you want to happen, and never expect what you don't want either.
stop expecting.
and just enjoy.
because as i spend the rest of my youth wondering what i will become.
i lose sight of all that i already am.

to live for the moment is to not care what the world wants.
be selfish and selfless.
be who you are. and let that define your destiny.
not what you want. and not what they want.
just be what you are.
that in itself, is as unique as it gets.
and, those who strive for their independant frames and individual qualities end up the same.
a picture can evoke a memory.
but a memory cannot be replaced by a photograph.

i am an absolute and complete utter failure at life.
and my parents only just realized that.
why is working your ass off, 72 hours a week for 6 months to pay for groceries a waste of time?
why is paying off someone else's personal debts such a waste of time?
why is having a boyfriend that takes your mind off family bullshit such a wrong thing to do?
why is hanging out with people with so many different paths in life and different goals such a wrong thing to do?
why is not being a dentist such a crime?
why is not having a university degree to gain respect such a wrong thing to do?
i don't understand where all these expectations came from but I know I can't live up to them for you.
So fuck off.
I don't want your dreams. I have my own.
and I don't care if you don't respect them.

Oh. I don't know what to do.
I'm so bored. and so busy.
There's too much happening right now.
I need to quit smoking. I need to get laid.
I need to get into school.
I need to forget about him.
- No wait. Already did that one.
I need to stop being so bitter about it.
And I really really have to clean my room.

This world is depressing and slow.
I want things to keep moving. Everything's standing still.
Perfection left me so long ago.
And I still want it.
WHY?
For fuck's sake...why?
He hates me, made that pretty fuckin clear.
I wish I wasn't so blind towards it. I wish I didn't hope for something better to happen.
And I wish he'd understand that I'm not trying to be a bitch.
But I can't talk to him, look at him, hear him, without wondering what could have been.
As much as I want him to disappear, I wish he'd always be here.

But then again. He's never here. I just hear about him through other people.
People who have no idea what transpired. No idea of how he used me and how I used him.
It couldv'e been fuckin perfect. He was the epitome of it. For a week.
Maybe he just doesn't realize how amazing he is. Doesn't realize how heartbreaking it is when he acts the way he does.

I wish I had him before all those other girls screwed him up so badly.
Maybe then he'd appreciate all that I gave him.

i would like to amputate a limb from my body.
where can i go about accomplishing this task?
soon.
before it kills the rest of my body?

despair, desire
woke up this morning to your face
had a dream last night,
you had gone away
what is this I see behind your eyes?
nothing but another way to cover all your lies
I live in a state of constant fear,
feeling that my death is drawing very near.
what is left for me when you are done?
wake up in the night to find that you have gone.
dreams, dreams, dreams
you and me living on the sea
theres nothing left for me,
when you decide to leave.
when I die,
dont you cry,
you dont deserve that kind of comfort
why did you have to go,
and leave me all alone.
you and me,
sitting in the trees,
we are so happy.
its all just a dream,
all just a dream,
just a dream, a dream, dream.

dream no more.

captain chronic aka. jesusfeet

[c&p'd from PR]

maybe, the whole time, i was dreaming.
i thought i was acheiving the impossible. we only dream of things like that right?

just agree with me and make my day.

i concur. the possibilty of that being real & true is just as likely as me losing my dyslexia.

shut up & move on right?

it's a slow process, but i'm getting there.
you cannot hinder my goals.

dreams may be impossible. but you? you are positively and most definately a figment of my imagination; an excuse; a waste; and a bittersweet memory.

and to that, i say goodnight & goodbye

Lie to them like you lie to me.
Can you count the number of times you've seen them, been with them, spent quality time with them, on one hand?
Lie to me like you always do.

Save yourself the time & energy.

Don't come around no more. Don't tell me you love me when you don't mean it.

Let me keep my heart whole for someone who deserves it.

Guys, & Gals.
I've been smoking too much weed.
Someone should grab ahold of me.
Make sure I don't slip away...again.

<3...*

there is beauty in the breakdown.
I swear by it.
people change, that much I recognize and respect.
it's the pain and suffering some endure to be someone they're not.
just be real with me. speak truths and we'll be better off.
tell me you don't love me and leave me here alone.
don't leave me hanging. it's so cruel.
you make it forbidden to think of you, when really; it's all I can do.
you make me want things that i've never wanted.
I feel like I should be deserving of love.
you make life seem perfect with you.
perfect with all it's flaws.
there are things about you, that I can't stand and they drive me crazy.
and then there's everything else.
you are in no way perfect by anyone's definition.
but you are perfect for me.
we fit together.
we match. you see it. I see it. and so does the rest of the world.
stop denying me.
we're both losing here.
we're losing a lot.
it'll turn into a regret.
and we don't need anymore.
come back to me. and I promise; I can make you happy if you'd only let me.

I love you. even though you don't want me to.

I must be crazy & blind to think you'd care.
But it's okay. Cause this makes me feel better.
So I'll deal with it.
I'll deal with losing you and wanting you. and thinking that I need you.
When we both know it.
You need me. You want me.
You just shouldn't have me.

Oh! But wait.
You had me already.
Hmm...
Maybe you should just keep me.
Or maybe you took what you wanted and left.
But I don't think that's like you.

Oh fuck it.
I'm going to get drunk.
And. Yea.

Bye.

The fluffy stuff of heartbroken nightmares ends with scalpels and spikes.
Blood pools and vomit buckets only prove pain & suffering.
A broken bone heals in time, a broken heart heals in death.

popcorn moments.

i'm sitting in my bed, eating popcorn, watching a slideshow of my life blur past me on a 15-inch computer screen. how sad is my life?

i suppose i owe a little update to myself. mindless musings on a blank canvas right?

i was thinking back about this past year. this was supposed to be my year. i was gonna accomplish lots, live well, laugh lots, and make people smile. i look back and i accomplished nothing, lived like i hated myself, cried at my own stupidity and made people angry. all i've got to show for the past year is a section of artificially pigmented skin and a mass of torn heartstrings.

i got my heart broken the other day. it happened before i knew it did. i didn't realize how far i had fallen until i was told it wasn't gonna work. reasons justified. pain unbearable. how can you love someone you hardly know? forget initial attraction, that's animalistic and normal. maybe it's not deep, honourable love, but it's getting there. or well, it was going to get there. now i'm alone, wallowing in a deep hole of self-pity. wow, that sounds horrible. too bad it's what i feel. maybe not self-pity, i'm not sorry for myself...i'm just saddened and disappointed. i care so much about this individual. not because i want to be with him. it's that unconditional, loving care that he just doesn't want. but that's who i am. how do i change? i'm not pushy, but when you need me i wanna be there. it shouldn't be this hard.

without even mentioning school, there's the whole family struggle that keeps getting worse. it's sad to watch your parents lose faith in everything. i do what i can, but i don't think everyone's willing to work as a team. they don't see that we're losing each other, slowly. the last thing i want, especially for my sibilings, is for us to grow apart and lose respect for one another. we're supposed to stick by each other, through thick n' thin...it's like marriage minus consummation and offspring.

on the bright side. piercing and tattoo fully healed. more in the works, need an artistic friend to conjure up a unique lotus flower for the belly of the mantra...

did some number crunching too, by sept 1st, i'll have made enough money to pay for 1st year, my camera and laptop with cash leftover to save. plus, with the return of the money i loaned out in specified payments, i can get through uni without a single fuckin loan. and if i move out when i want to? all i have to do is work part-time during the year. plus, making just a little over my bracket? my returns can go right into rrsp's and i won't have to pay tax until i'm a full-fledged career-woman (ewww, sounds boring..) maaan, i love numbers.

aight.
sleep? or attempt to, since i can't get this kid off my mind!

<3