popcorn moments.

i'm sitting in my bed, eating popcorn, watching a slideshow of my life blur past me on a 15-inch computer screen. how sad is my life?

i suppose i owe a little update to myself. mindless musings on a blank canvas right?

i was thinking back about this past year. this was supposed to be my year. i was gonna accomplish lots, live well, laugh lots, and make people smile. i look back and i accomplished nothing, lived like i hated myself, cried at my own stupidity and made people angry. all i've got to show for the past year is a section of artificially pigmented skin and a mass of torn heartstrings.

i got my heart broken the other day. it happened before i knew it did. i didn't realize how far i had fallen until i was told it wasn't gonna work. reasons justified. pain unbearable. how can you love someone you hardly know? forget initial attraction, that's animalistic and normal. maybe it's not deep, honourable love, but it's getting there. or well, it was going to get there. now i'm alone, wallowing in a deep hole of self-pity. wow, that sounds horrible. too bad it's what i feel. maybe not self-pity, i'm not sorry for myself...i'm just saddened and disappointed. i care so much about this individual. not because i want to be with him. it's that unconditional, loving care that he just doesn't want. but that's who i am. how do i change? i'm not pushy, but when you need me i wanna be there. it shouldn't be this hard.

without even mentioning school, there's the whole family struggle that keeps getting worse. it's sad to watch your parents lose faith in everything. i do what i can, but i don't think everyone's willing to work as a team. they don't see that we're losing each other, slowly. the last thing i want, especially for my sibilings, is for us to grow apart and lose respect for one another. we're supposed to stick by each other, through thick n' thin...it's like marriage minus consummation and offspring.

on the bright side. piercing and tattoo fully healed. more in the works, need an artistic friend to conjure up a unique lotus flower for the belly of the mantra...

did some number crunching too, by sept 1st, i'll have made enough money to pay for 1st year, my camera and laptop with cash leftover to save. plus, with the return of the money i loaned out in specified payments, i can get through uni without a single fuckin loan. and if i move out when i want to? all i have to do is work part-time during the year. plus, making just a little over my bracket? my returns can go right into rrsp's and i won't have to pay tax until i'm a full-fledged career-woman (ewww, sounds boring..) maaan, i love numbers.

aight.
sleep? or attempt to, since i can't get this kid off my mind!

<3