so what to blog about today? i don't really know what's going on with this thing we call life. things seem to be going out of control and i can't seem to grab ahold of things that i should be keeping a firm grip on. but. it's not saddening, or frustrating or even making me angry like it might normally do. is this a quarter life crisis like Z would put it? perhaps.
somehow though, it's okay. i've been watching movies recently, to take up some time. it's like, i can't wait to get out of here, but half of me thinks i'm going somewhere else to something exciting and the other half recognizes that i'm just going home. but that can be exciting right? i've changed so much this past year. to the point that even i noticed it, but don't really seem to care. i've made so many mistakes, but they ain't all that bad. a lot of them could've turned out worse, some better. i miss the people that i've gotten close to but are forbidden to see or communicate with. i miss the people that know me for me and not through some other person or sibiling or friend. those that i met and created relationships with on my own. i hate being the 'other' sister, or 'someone's' daughter or niece or cousin, and even 'this one's' friend. but i guess that's not really fair. i shouldn't miss something like that right? i should just be content with being 'somebody else'. am i bitter? i know it sounds like it, but i suppose bitterness can be directed towards something or someone right? not always, but in this case, let's make it so that way i can't be labeled 'bitter'. jaded? for sure, but don't ever tell me that i am, it makes me feel....inadequate in a weird way. i like to be alone but sometimes i crave company, but no matter which type of company i have around me, be it work, family, friends...it's always the wrong type. like i'm looking for the other half of me which exists in no one i know. that's it. bouncin out to watch the second installment of the extended lotr. paYce.
somehow though, it's okay. i've been watching movies recently, to take up some time. it's like, i can't wait to get out of here, but half of me thinks i'm going somewhere else to something exciting and the other half recognizes that i'm just going home. but that can be exciting right? i've changed so much this past year. to the point that even i noticed it, but don't really seem to care. i've made so many mistakes, but they ain't all that bad. a lot of them could've turned out worse, some better. i miss the people that i've gotten close to but are forbidden to see or communicate with. i miss the people that know me for me and not through some other person or sibiling or friend. those that i met and created relationships with on my own. i hate being the 'other' sister, or 'someone's' daughter or niece or cousin, and even 'this one's' friend. but i guess that's not really fair. i shouldn't miss something like that right? i should just be content with being 'somebody else'. am i bitter? i know it sounds like it, but i suppose bitterness can be directed towards something or someone right? not always, but in this case, let's make it so that way i can't be labeled 'bitter'. jaded? for sure, but don't ever tell me that i am, it makes me feel....inadequate in a weird way. i like to be alone but sometimes i crave company, but no matter which type of company i have around me, be it work, family, friends...it's always the wrong type. like i'm looking for the other half of me which exists in no one i know. that's it. bouncin out to watch the second installment of the extended lotr. paYce.
<3
0 comments:
Post a Comment